EXPERTS: Don’t Fart Around, Wear Two Pairs For Safety

Government, health, and air quality experts are now recommending people wear two or more pairs of underwear instead of the single pair they’ve been wearing since underwear mandates were issued by state governments last spring.

“If one pair mostly works, it stands to reason that two, three, four, or five will work even better,” said Dr. Anthony Fauci, noting “You never know who might be sitting next to you on a plane and appreciating your concern for their air quality.”

Last spring, Fauci notably told Americans they didn’t even have to wear underwear, before changing his position to agree that millions will die unless we mandate underwear use and stay six feet apart while passing gas.

Just when it looked like demand for underwear was losing steam, Hanes, Fruit of the Loom, Under Armour, and Calvin Klein have joined forces to promote their “Spread the Cheeks” awareness campaign, noting that they are “wedged in the perfect position” to “crop dust the public with awareness.” Campaign spokesperson and recovering one-pair super-spreader Eric Swalwell said, “You don’t wear multiple pairs to protect yourself, you wear multiple pairs to protect others – especially while you’re being interviewed on TV.”

Joe Biden is reportedly planning to promote his own line of safety underwear, which conveniently already employs multiple layers of protection against droplets of any size and consistency.