BREAKING: New Colorado COVID Dial Adds Six New Levels

Due to the undeniable benefit of adding the “Extreme Risk” level to the Colorado COVID dial, Colorado’s smarter-than-you government overlords have sextupled down with six (!) new levels of COVID risk, named after some of the riskiest behavior killer Coloradoans are likely engaged in. Now loyal comrades citizens can be extra confident knowing what horrible actions create the most risk for spreading COVID-19 so they can knock it off and finally take control of the virus!

Note: Having twice the number of levels means counties at level 4 are now at level 8, and counties at level 5 are now at level 10. Despite the way the state is reporting cases and hospitalizations, this does not mean the risk has doubled.

Insane Risk: Beyond “extreme,” this level requires all restaurant employees to wear two masks and serve takeout food over Zoom.

Singing in Church: This level of risk reminds unloving clingers of the Walking Dead-like horror of the extra death propulsion created when they sing together. The state recommends rioting as a safer alternative.

MAGA Rally: The risk of certain death is multiplied to superspreader-like levels when enough red hats and American flags show up in the same place. A county at this level is at risk of being moved to level two on the racism risk dial.

Voting in Person: How can you participate in democracy when you’re dead? This level reminds Colorado voters that avoiding mail-in ballot fraud might mean giving your life for your country.

Cuomo Nursing Home: When one too many people show up for your Colorado Thanksgiving, those extra people are basically like COVID-positive septuagenarians sent back to a Jersey version of The Villages.

Pistol for Grandma’s Head: Polis knows best – if you think seeing your so-lonely-she-wants-to-kill-herself grandmother is worth the risk of someone catching a 99.99% survival rate virus, you might as well just show up with a loaded revolver and do the job for her.