Biden to Be Impeached for Violent Rhetoric

In a display of patriotic consistency, House Democrats have drawn up articles of impeachment against incoming president Kamala Harris Joe Biden, as his calls to “join the battle against,” “march in protest of” and “fight” the coronavirus have resulted in violent attacks directed towards carriers of the virus.

“We must fight the novel coronavirus everywhere it is found and with every tool at our disposal,” said local community organizer Dirk Anderson as he strapped on a helmet and catcher pads. He added, “I’m using these bricks” before heaving one at the head of the nearest coronavirus patient.

A bipartisan group of legislators agreed that Biden was clearly dog-whistling his supporters to violently overthrow the coronavirus, as Biden has encouraged them to “not give up” in their vocal opposition to the “enemy.” Congressional firebrand and #bossbabeofcongress Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez tweeted, “There is no room in our public discourse for calls to ‘fight’ or engage in battle. And everyone like, knows what the president meant when he said ‘march.'” She followed with, “These are like, the words that cause insurrection and sedition,” before an aid whispered in her ear that it wasn’t Trump.

Several hospitals were breached by costume-wearing, Biden-supporting protesters, who took selfies with dialysis machines and coronavirus patients. Hospital security guards reportedly initiated a code red defensive response by asking the violent insurrectionists to please not make too big of a mess. These attempted coups led media outlets to declare the invasions as “attacks on the heart of democracy,” and “worse than 9-11 and the Civil War combined.”

Reports from the House are that they plan to beat their recent record of fastest impeachment ever by submitting the articles of impeachment as a single tweet and simply waiting for a majority of congress to “heart,” but were thwarted when Twitter banned all of their accounts at once.